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Literature Text
Sunburnt freedom of July
we come tumbling in the auburn joy of boredom
down the spine of summer.
And spelled in the scabs on your knees
is the innocent insolence
scuffing the corners of your memory:
all hyperbole, grinning toothless bravery
swallowed in your father's coat,
whipping around corners and slipping
out of a chiaroscuro childhood.
we come tumbling in the auburn joy of boredom
down the spine of summer.
And spelled in the scabs on your knees
is the innocent insolence
scuffing the corners of your memory:
all hyperbole, grinning toothless bravery
swallowed in your father's coat,
whipping around corners and slipping
out of a chiaroscuro childhood.
Literature
lunacy.
what the moon teaches us is
no one exists as a constant.
some days you will orbit elsewhere.
the angles of light that
make up the shadows of you
will keep moving.
it is the same with the ocean
and how it does not meet
the shore the same each time:
some days it will come crashing,
eroding: or it comes back to kiss
its edges over and over
there are some days i am more
of a tsunami. there will be days
you will be eclipsed.
and i don't mind this. the moon is
up in the sky but the ocean still feels
the weight of its pull, always.
i want to drown in the
push and pull of your gravity
in all the ways that's possible.
i could get used to the
di
Literature
a retraction of august's horoscope
“aquarius, you have fallen in love with the storm again,”
the august horoscope reads.
it is almost—but not quite—correct.
for the sake of astrological accuracy
it might be revised to read,
“aquarius, you have fallen
in love—” (this part
may remain)
“—aquarius, you have fallen in love
in the sticky heat of summer,
the air as damp as your skin,
heat rising from the tarmac
of this flat swamp town.”
or perhaps, “aquarius,
it will not feel like a storm.
there will be no lightning bolts,
no thunder. there will be no fire
under your skin.”
“aquarius, your love will be
Literature
There Are No Fond Memories of the Garage Sale
We sold the old maternal dress.
The round fade on the worn womb
was greyed and thin. Someone left
a hole unstitched, a hem unpressed.
Everything that went too soon
had stuck around: the old blue dress,
the rocking horse, the rusted wrest
we thought we lost. We never tuned
the baby grand. The sound it left
became a prank to play on guests:
a soundtrack for an empty room,
a child’s ghost inside the dress.
We’ve come so far from being pests.
The blood that rushed to soothe the wounds
our mother’s wooden spoon had left
is calm. We are ready to forget –
un-know the pain. We assume
our mother sold the dress,
as grey a
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theWrittenRevolution
my critique
Q: Is the sense of youthfulness clear or does the vernacular take away from it? Does it flow easily, or is it stilted? Are there any words that don't fit/that you would change?
my critique
Q: Is the sense of youthfulness clear or does the vernacular take away from it? Does it flow easily, or is it stilted? Are there any words that don't fit/that you would change?
© 2015 - 2024 91816119
Comments36
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Hi there!
I'm leaving this comment for theWrittenRevolution and as part of BeccaJS's project: Critmas 2015!
This was an enjoyable read! And I learned a new word, chiaroscuro. Beautiful choice there. To answer your questions:
1. The sense of youthfulness is very clear. If anything, the vernacular helps to emphasize the nostalgic tone by creating a permeable barrier between the subject of the poem and the narrator. It is a delicate balance, and you walked the line well.
2 & 3. The flow is mostly alright, though I did trip up over the second line. "we come tumbling in the auburn joy of boredom" has no clear image for me. Tumbling is a great choice as it immediately makes the reader envision someone young, but auburn joy of boredom feels far too abstract for a poem that's so concrete. What exactly are you trying to say there? I would also remove "and" at the beginning of the fourth line.
On a stylistic note, you might consider rewriting this poem without the use of -ing verbs and seeing if that helps condense the imagery and reduce the verbose feeling that comes with the word choice. Additionally, I wonder why the second line states "we" tumble, but then everything switches to "your" and "we" is never mentioned again?
I hope some of these thoughts are helpful. It was a lovely poem to read. Thank you for sharing.
Lili
I'm leaving this comment for theWrittenRevolution and as part of BeccaJS's project: Critmas 2015!
This was an enjoyable read! And I learned a new word, chiaroscuro. Beautiful choice there. To answer your questions:
1. The sense of youthfulness is very clear. If anything, the vernacular helps to emphasize the nostalgic tone by creating a permeable barrier between the subject of the poem and the narrator. It is a delicate balance, and you walked the line well.
2 & 3. The flow is mostly alright, though I did trip up over the second line. "we come tumbling in the auburn joy of boredom" has no clear image for me. Tumbling is a great choice as it immediately makes the reader envision someone young, but auburn joy of boredom feels far too abstract for a poem that's so concrete. What exactly are you trying to say there? I would also remove "and" at the beginning of the fourth line.
On a stylistic note, you might consider rewriting this poem without the use of -ing verbs and seeing if that helps condense the imagery and reduce the verbose feeling that comes with the word choice. Additionally, I wonder why the second line states "we" tumble, but then everything switches to "your" and "we" is never mentioned again?
I hope some of these thoughts are helpful. It was a lovely poem to read. Thank you for sharing.
Lili