literature

august's skeleton.

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Literature Text

Sunburnt freedom of July
we come tumbling in the auburn joy of boredom
down the spine of summer.
And spelled in the scabs on your knees
is the innocent insolence
scuffing the corners of your memory:
all hyperbole, grinning toothless bravery
swallowed in your father's coat,
whipping around corners and slipping
out of a chiaroscuro childhood.
theWrittenRevolution
:pointr: my critique :pointl:

Q: Is the sense of youthfulness clear or does the vernacular take away from it? Does it flow easily, or is it stilted? Are there any words that don't fit/that you would change?
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LiliWrites's avatar
Hi there! :)

I'm leaving this comment for theWrittenRevolution and as part of BeccaJS's project: Critmas 2015!

This was an enjoyable read! And I learned a new word, chiaroscuro. Beautiful choice there. :) To answer your questions:

1. The sense of youthfulness is very clear. If anything, the vernacular helps to emphasize the nostalgic tone by creating a permeable barrier between the subject of the poem and the narrator. It is a delicate balance, and you walked the line well.
2 & 3. The flow is mostly alright, though I did trip up over the second line. "we come tumbling in the auburn joy of boredom" has no clear image for me. Tumbling is a great choice as it immediately makes the reader envision someone young, but auburn joy of boredom feels far too abstract for a poem that's so concrete. What exactly are you trying to say there? I would also remove "and" at the beginning of the fourth line. 

On a stylistic note, you might consider rewriting this poem without the use of -ing verbs and seeing if that helps condense the imagery and reduce the verbose feeling that comes with the word choice. Additionally, I wonder why the second line states "we" tumble, but then everything switches to "your" and "we" is never mentioned again? 

I hope some of these thoughts are helpful. It was a lovely poem to read. Thank you for sharing. 

:heart: Lili