Q: Is there a clear enough 'story line' within the poem? Did you find it potent, image- and language-wise, or did it come off too weak? Do you think I should expand on it (i.e. Is it too brief? Are the images developed enough?)?
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Truth be told, I did feel as if the "catharsis" was not... well portrayed. At least for me
I say this because this comment might not do justice to the poem itself. What I get from this is poem are three chapters: the first is the person... I guess succumbing to his immoral desires, or to vices which are not in good taste; In the second, the person is long gone... His condition is such that he cannot be accepted as an "acceptable" part of the community of the good; which is why he seeks limbo in the third chapter - the devil, or probably a demon of sorts, pushes the person into the sea and leaves them to rot in there... Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be, as he cannot drown (hence, the "I valiantly tried" portion).
again, that's what I got from this poem. I don't know if it was a tangible comment or not, but that's what I got from this work. All in all, well done It definitely deserves the DLD (now of course, that DLD is a rarity and is just a badge to carry around everywhere - nice! )
As always, I am of the opinion that any interpretation of my work is correct, so I definitely agree with your points - however the title was less of an indication of the poem's contents, and more something to be decoded by the reader. By this I mean that the 'catharsis' would be nigh on impossible to see in the poem's violent and morbid nature, but the catharsis is that lack of comprehension within a reader: to not understand the speaker's logic in 'trying to drown' is to achieve a certain catharsis (to realise that one is not weighed down by such emotion). I am so pleased, though, that you could clearly picture the tale within the poem. Almost spot on!
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It probably is a bit too brief, to me, yeah. I like the "haiku" structure of each part, however, there is a lot missing between the things this poem tells us. I was in a same situation a while ago, and I ended up using this structure, which if I remember correctly is called haibun. htblack.deviantart.com/art/Mas…
I think the imagery is really beautiful, also your choice of adjectives. Bartered, valiantly are used very cleverly. I wish the rest of the poem used as refined vocabulary because those really help creating a feeling. I would consider changing a bit the style to match throughout the writing.
In my opinion, there aren't necessarily enough lines or stanzas to create a real story. It's a bit fragmented and could definitely be longer so that you can explain more and set up an actual storyline. However, I think the poem is well-done, very original, and I like the imagery. It makes me think of someone who's condemned and cannot step out of the shadow of their sins no matter how hard they try. Overall, it's fairly good piece. Good job.
the three sections link together somewhat, but i wouldn't describe it has a "story" per se. you hint at a bigger picture but these three slices are too hazy to say for sure. i think what you've written is a good foundation for a more ambitious work, personally, more than a stand-alone piece. what i will say is that your deceptively simple and powerful writing is resolute even in such short snippets.
the story line is very vague though very thought provoking. To the last line was the vaguest and the second line was the most clear. I personally wouldn't like to see what you have written right here to be expanded but if you added something afterwards I think that would be great. It's like the first three stanzas you have here could lure someone into a potentially good story.