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i.
The devil watched me dreaming,
kissed my wrists
and painted my lips with blood.

ii.
I bartered for my place in heaven,
but I was buried too deep
to be heard.

iii.
He pushed me
out to sea and I
valiantly tried to drown.
theWrittenRevolution
Q: Is there a clear enough 'story line' within the poem? Did you find it potent, image- and language-wise, or did it come off too weak? Do you think I should expand on it (i.e. Is it too brief? Are the images developed enough?)?

--

A third DLD! :faint: Thank you so much. I'm simply incredulous and so, so honoured. TwilightPoetess and NamelessShe you are both Goddesses. - 28.03.2014
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:iconprimalfuryan:
primalfuryan Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Professional General Artist
:iconaparazita-r::iconsquirrelflight-77:Your artwork has been graciously featured in Titans Genuine Literature feature ,stay wonderful!Hug:iconsquirrelflight-77::iconaparazita-r:
fav.me/d7if01o
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner May 15, 2014   Writer
:faint: :heart:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Truth be told, I did feel as if the "catharsis" was not... well portrayed. At least for me :shrug:

I say this because this comment might not do justice to the poem itself. What I get from this is poem are three chapters: the first is the person... I guess succumbing to his immoral desires, or to vices which are not in good taste; In the second, the person is long gone... His condition is such that he cannot be accepted as an "acceptable" part of the community of the good; which is why he seeks limbo in the third chapter - the devil, or probably a demon of sorts, pushes the person into the sea and leaves them to rot in there... Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be, as he cannot drown (hence, the "I valiantly tried" portion).

:shrug: again, that's what I got from this poem. I don't know if it was a tangible comment or not, but that's what I got from this work. All in all, well done :clap: It definitely deserves the DLD (now of course, that DLD is a rarity and is just a badge to carry around everywhere - nice! )
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014   Writer
As always, I am of the opinion that any interpretation of my work is correct, so I definitely agree with your points - however the title was less of an indication of the poem's contents, and more something to be decoded by the reader. By this I mean that the 'catharsis' would be nigh on impossible to see in the poem's violent and morbid nature, but the catharsis is that lack of comprehension within a reader: to not understand the speaker's logic in 'trying to drown' is to achieve a certain catharsis (to realise that one is not weighed down by such emotion). I am so pleased, though, that you could clearly picture the tale within the poem. Almost spot on! :heart:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thanks, appreciate it.

And that is what was meant by catharsis eh? :nod: Then its quite a poem you've written here. Well done :)
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014   Writer
Well, that was the intention, but you can absolutely take what you want from it! :aww:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:) I take it for what its worth - a good poem overall.
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing as always! :D
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2014   Writer
:aww: You are too kind, love. :tighthug:
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: You're one to talk.
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2014   Writer
:blush:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2014
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2014   Writer
Thank you so, so very much! :glomp:
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

It probably is a bit too brief, to me, yeah. I like the "haiku" structure of each part, however, there is a lot missing between the things this poem tells us. I was in a same situation a while ago, and I ended up using this structure, which if I remember correctly is called haibun. htblack.deviantart.com/art/Mas…
I think the imagery is really beautiful, also your choice of adjectives. Bartered, valiantly are used very cleverly. I wish the rest of the poem used as refined vocabulary because those really help creating a feeling. I would consider changing a bit the style to match throughout the writing.

Hope this helps!
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014   Writer
Ok, I'll keep that in mind, an I'll tab that form away, it looks really interesting. :aww:

Thank you so much! :hug:
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:iconhtblack:
HtBlack Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014
You're welcome! :hug: it was my pleasure.
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:iconmajikku7:
Majikku7 Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
In my opinion, there aren't necessarily enough lines or stanzas to create a real story. It's a bit fragmented and could definitely be longer so that you can explain more and set up an actual storyline. However, I think the poem is well-done, very original, and I like the imagery. It makes me think of someone who's condemned and cannot step out of the shadow of their sins no matter how hard they try. Overall, it's fairly good piece. Good job.
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much. :heart:
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:iconandrewpom:
andrewpom Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014  Student Writer
the three sections link together somewhat, but i wouldn't describe it has a "story" per se. you hint at a bigger picture but these three slices are too hazy to say for sure. i think what you've written is a good foundation for a more ambitious work, personally, more than a stand-alone piece. what i will say is that your deceptively simple and powerful writing is resolute even in such short snippets.
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much for the comment, I'll keep those thoughts in mind! :heart:
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:icontickersymbol:
tickersymbol Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Powerful emotive imagery! Well done!
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014   Writer
Thank you! :heart:
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Student Writer
OOh, I really love this. :heart: Like, a lot.
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014   Writer
Thank you, honey. :glomp:
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:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Student Writer
You're welcome!
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:icongoober-chunk:
goober-chunk Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Student General Artist
the story line is very vague though very thought provoking. To the last line was the vaguest and the second line was the most clear. I personally wouldn't like to see what you have written right here to be expanded but if you added something afterwards I think that would be great. It's like the first three stanzas you have here could lure someone into a potentially good story. 
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014   Writer
Thank you, thank you. I think a poem like this does need a slight sense of unfulfillment in order to draw a reader in, so I'm glad that it was still clear enough to be thought-provoking. :heart: 
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:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014  Professional Writer
excellent.
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014   Writer
Thank you kindly, honey. :hug:
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:iconthebloodyearth:
TheBloodyEarth Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014
convoluted and magnificent in its simplicity. love it
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
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:iconbeeinthebottle:
beeinthebottle Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014   Writer
Simple -- which I'm drawn to  -- and you cover so much ground in so few words...I love how the pieces work together.
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much, sweetie! :hug:
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:iconthecheshercat:
TheChesherCat Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I like the simplicity to this.... it's a little bit blunter than your other poems, if you know what I mean? Less imagery and more emotional statement, I think. It's really beautiful :heart:
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much, honey, thank you. :glomp:
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:iconthecheshercat:
TheChesherCat Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
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