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Submitted on
February 1
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i.
The devil watched me dreaming,
kissed my wrists
and painted my lips with blood.

ii.
I bartered for my place in heaven,
but I was buried too deep
to be heard.

iii.
He pushed me
out to sea and I
valiantly tried to drown.
theWrittenRevolution
Q: Is there a clear enough 'story line' within the poem? Did you find it potent, image- and language-wise, or did it come off too weak? Do you think I should expand on it (i.e. Is it too brief? Are the images developed enough?)?

--

A third DLD! :faint: Thank you so much. I'm simply incredulous and so, so honoured. TwilightPoetess and NamelessShe you are both Goddesses. - 28.03.2014
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Mar 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Amazing as always! :D
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:icon91816119:
:aww: You are too kind, love. :tighthug:
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Mar 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: You're one to talk.
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:icondailylitdeviations:
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here. Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:icon91816119:
Thank you so, so very much! :glomp:
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:iconhtblack:
:iconthewrittenrevolution:

It probably is a bit too brief, to me, yeah. I like the "haiku" structure of each part, however, there is a lot missing between the things this poem tells us. I was in a same situation a while ago, and I ended up using this structure, which if I remember correctly is called haibun. htblack.deviantart.com/art/Mas…
I think the imagery is really beautiful, also your choice of adjectives. Bartered, valiantly are used very cleverly. I wish the rest of the poem used as refined vocabulary because those really help creating a feeling. I would consider changing a bit the style to match throughout the writing.

Hope this helps!
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:icon91816119:
Ok, I'll keep that in mind, an I'll tab that form away, it looks really interesting. :aww:

Thank you so much! :hug:
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:iconhtblack:
You're welcome! :hug: it was my pleasure.
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:iconmajikku7:
Majikku7 Feb 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
In my opinion, there aren't necessarily enough lines or stanzas to create a real story. It's a bit fragmented and could definitely be longer so that you can explain more and set up an actual storyline. However, I think the poem is well-done, very original, and I like the imagery. It makes me think of someone who's condemned and cannot step out of the shadow of their sins no matter how hard they try. Overall, it's fairly good piece. Good job.
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